Back to school: how to support your anxious teen

The moment the rows of Canada notebooks and backpacks show up in the stores in the middle of the summer, a knot starts forming in a lot of teenagers’ stomachs. For some, going back to school is exciting. For others, it is the start of the worst-case scenarios: “What if I don’t have any friends? What if I get lost in the school? What if I fail advanced math?”

Let’s be honest, adolescence is already quite the hormonal and identity cocktail. Add academic and social pressure to that and you have the perfect recipe for anxiety to take up all the room. But how do we tell the difference between ordinary nerves and real anxiety? And above all, how do we handle it without losing our own minds?

Stress vs. anxiety: it’s a fine line

Stress is useful. It is the little motor that gets your teen to buy a lock and practise the combination ahead of time. Anxiety is the alarm system going off when there is no fire. It is when your teen stops sleeping, has a stomach ache every single morning, or freezes completely at the thought of stepping onto the bus.

The two big parent traps

When you watch your fourteen-year-old cry, your parent heart wants to rescue them. That’s normal! But with anxiety, our best instincts are often our worst enemies. There are two traps that are easy to fall into:

• The brushing-it-off trap: the classic “Come on, it’s going to go great! You’re so likeable, you’ll make tons of friends!”. The intention is good, but what the kid hears is: My parents don’t understand what I’m going through. The result? They close up like a clam.
• The avoidance trap: “Okay, you’re too stressed, don’t go to the orientation day, I’ll call the school.” In the moment, what a relief — anxiety drops to zero. But in the long run? We have just confirmed to their brain that school was a real danger. Avoidance is pouring gas on the fire of anxiety. Next time, it will hit even harder.

So what do we actually do?

Just as with setting limits for younger children, it takes a good dose of warmth (the velvet glove) and a clear frame (the iron fist).

• Validate before advising: before pulling out your ready-made solutions, listen. “It’s true that moving up a level is stressful. It makes sense that you feel this way, there’s a lot that’s new.” Boom. The pressure just came down a notch. They feel understood.
• Break down the mountain: anxiety thinks big, it sees an unclimbable mountain. Help them cut it into small pieces. What is the most stressful part? The commute? Perfect, we’ll ride the bus route together this weekend. That famous lock? We’ll open it twenty times in the living room. Action kills anxiety.
• Rebuild the routine (gently): let’s not kid ourselves, going from a midnight bedtime to a 6:30 a.m. wake-up hurts. Lack of sleep is anxiety’s best friend. Don’t wait until the night before the first day to move bedtime back. Go gradually, fifteen minutes at a time.

Supporting an anxious teen takes patience and a lot of listening. What matters is being there, weathering the storm with them, and helping them face what scares them a little at a time.