What is positive parenting?

We have heard a lot in recent years about nurturing structure and positive discipline, but what exactly are they? Giving a child a nurturing, positive, secure frame simply means offering them a space inside which they can act freely. When they step outside it, there are reminders or consequences. So far, so simple. Here is where the challenge lies: doing it in a way that is warm and positive.

In a world where the negative often wins out, where we know what we don’t want but struggle to put words on what we do want, building a secure, nurturing, positive frame can be difficult. Let’s be honest, the world moves fast. The pressure is real, we lose our patience, we get angry, we raise our voices. That does not mean we can’t aim for a gentler, warmer kind of parenting.

Say what you expect, not what you’re refusing

What we mean by “positive discipline” is mostly putting the emphasis on what we expect from the child rather than on what we don’t want. For example, “Alexandre, crayons go on the paper for drawing” rather than “Alexandre, don’t put your crayons in your mouth”. In the first example, we tell Alexandre clearly what we expect of him; in the second, we only tell him not to put them in his mouth. Where is he supposed to put them? On the table? On his arm? On the floor? On the wall? Throw them?

When we speak to a child in negatives, we are expecting them to already know what they should be doing. With an older child that is often true, but before the age of five, children are still learning. We HAVE to tell them what to do and how to do it.

Imagine starting a new job and your employer says: “Here is your desk. Don’t climb on it. Don’t stay until 8 p.m.” Okay, but what am I supposed to start with? What time should I leave? When is lunch? You too would end up proceeding by trial and error, and would almost certainly be told a few times that you did the wrong thing.

A clear, consistent frame

So how do we set limits well, following the principles of nurturing, positive parenting? First: offer a clear and consistent frame. Consistency is the key with children. The same rules, the same daily routine, being steady and congruent in what we ask… that is what creates a secure frame for our child.

Consistency

Being consistent does not mean never departing from the routine. Stepping out of the daily grind matters as much for children as it does for us, but consistency in a few important anchors is what reassures a child.

For example: you leave for a weekend of camping. Obviously bedtimes and the routine will not be the same as at home, but some elements can hold: the story before bed, the important stuffed animal. The order of things: supper, shower, pyjamas, teeth, story, bed. Those elements let your child locate themselves in time, and so feel more secure in their environment.

Congruence

Being congruent means making sense. As the saying goes, the boots have to follow the lips. If we tell our child not to walk around with a toothbrush in their mouth, we should not be walking around while brushing our own teeth.

Clarity

Our rules and our requests have to be clear to our children. They cannot carry out an action or follow a rule they do not understand. With the youngest, we aim for a SIMPLE rule — one instruction at a time — phrased in the positive: “shoes stay on the entrance mat”, rather than “we don’t wear shoes in the house”.

Holding the line

Once the frame is clear and consistent, we have to hold to what we’ve said. When our child hits the age of two, it is easy to get caught up in their talents as a master negotiator who could talk a seagull out of its fry. But what happens in a toddler’s head when we give in to a request we had said no to is: Oh! If I negotiate, I can still get what I want! The rules are only suggestions!

The result is that the more we negotiate, the more authority we lose, and the more we have to fall back on consequences (another article on those is coming). Nobody wants to argue with their child, live through meltdowns, get angry, raise their voice, and have to put their child in time-out. Nobody. I’m telling you.

So if we want the gentlest, most nurturing kind of parenting, it means an iron fist in a velvet glove: choosing our rules carefully, making our expectations clear with our children before an activity, using simple words, and welcoming with empathy the emotions that come out of our refusals.

Weathering the storm (the famous velvet glove)

That famous “velvet glove” is our ability to validate the child’s disappointment without bending on the rule. Saying no to a cookie before supper is the iron fist (the frame). Welcoming the crying fit that follows by saying, “I know, you’re disappointed, you really wanted to eat that cookie, it’s hard to wait” — that is the velvet glove.

We don’t change the rule, but we validate the emotion. There is a big myth around positive parenting: many people think it means the total absence of frustration for the child. That’s false! Warmth means teaching our child to handle and tolerate that frustration in an environment where they feel supported, understood and loved, even when they are angry with us.

Repair

Let’s be honest (again!): no parent is perfect. There will be tired days, rushed mornings spent hunting for the lost mitten, evenings where patience is at zero and voices inevitably rise. And that’s okay! Nurturing parenting also means being kind to yourself.

The most underrated tool in this approach is not perfection, it is repair. Going back to your child after a storm and saying:

I got angry earlier, I shouted, and I’m sorry. I was very tired, but I shouldn’t have reacted that way.

In doing that, you teach your child one of the finest lessons there is: everyone makes mistakes, we are allowed to lose control of our emotions at times, but we have a responsibility to apologise and repair the relationship.

In short

Nurturing, positive structure means offering our child:

• A secure frame: clear limits, consistency and predictability.
• Comfort: empathy, active listening, and the right to feel all of their emotions, including the least pleasant ones.

It is an everyday apprenticeship, real daily training — and it is also how we raise the small humans of tomorrow to become warm, empathetic, and able to express their emotions without hurting others.